EP III - RoTS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™ (warning - some profanity)

[Q'in]

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting who in this dizzying space battle sequence!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)

They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they deactivate.

EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is on the outside of the ship?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like a life support system being in a box on someone's chest.

They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of brotherly camaraderie between us.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the sort of thing that should have been in the last film. Oh well, at least there were scenes of me rolling around in the grass.

They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget that ever happened. They find IAN.

IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a comfortable chair overlooking all of the destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for a rematch. Now, you will have to face a stunt double with my face pasted on!

They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN fights him and eventually KILLS him.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to have killed Darth Maul and introduced him in the first place.

HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC SKELETON.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to my collection of Star Wars memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell out obnoxiously!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further failing to illustrate how intimidating my character is meant to be!


HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE. There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.


NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?

NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll actually be showing. Really.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You know, I love you with all the love one can love a lover with.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish' line from the last movie. Tell me again on the balcony while I brush my hair and look vaguely hideous.

We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN MCDIARMID.


INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING

IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you're confused about being a Jedi.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck Natalie Portman. That's insanity. Did you see her in Closer? Holy fuck.

IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian bullshit to create life.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was--

IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from dying.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die because of it hours later?

IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll not bother following up on the other thing you said.

Meanwhile...


EXT. KASHYYK

YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by characters from the original trilogy.

CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.


EXT. UTAPAU

EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now, without waiting for my support troops to arrive.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost literally every single duel you've been a part of except for the one with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly mentions how many times he has saved you. What have you done in the entire prequel trilogy so far to prove that you're actually a decent fighter?

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So, what's with the coughing, do droids get colds or something?

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a droid. Check it out, I have an actual beating heart.

EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.

EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.


INT. CORUSCANT

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith Lord.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on some ass.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, go your room.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the most well-acted scene between us is the one in which we are in separate buildings and have no lines?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S CHAMBER.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being a manipulative motherfucker.

IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a racecar in the fuckin' red. It could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch my lightsaber I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of Navarone.

Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually beaten.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL, which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite this, IAN refuses to stop doing it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Must... bridge... gap... to... original... trilogy...

[Q'in]

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is about to rip you a new one, mind telling me how to save Natalie real quick?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer now.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be... er, well it would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the beginning of the movie.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm going to kill him anyway.

HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.

IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there's no turning back. Go kill all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.


EXT. UTAPAU

IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE TROOPERS.

IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.

CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant Iguana.

IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.

CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.

They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.

CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have survived that fall. Except a Jedi, of course.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really stupid. This movie really DOES bridge the gap between the original trilogy and the prequel trilogy.


EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.

KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer weapons than at the end of Attack of the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers me!
(dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy, including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is not one of them.


INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT

EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden is? I just saw some security recordings of the Jedi temple, and apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's chamber afterwards. Or beforehand. Or an alternate universe, perhaps. Anyway, he was killing children!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain this notion and will dismiss your concerns outright. Hayden would never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were sandpeople. Then he would kill them. But he's definitely not a murderer otherwise.

EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.


EXT. MUSTAFAR

NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward the dark side! It's not true, is it? Why are your eyes all red?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To actually act well and make me look wooden and awful!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than you in this movie, why would I bring someone capable of acting well here?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!

He chokes her.

NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force choke you because I love you. Come back to me baby.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! What the hell, your whole reason for turning was to save her. That was completely stupid.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Bah, the Jedi are stupider! They didn't know I was married to Natalie despite the fact that we live together, which Ian figured out in seconds. They didn't know Ian was a Sith. They asked me to get close to him, knowing full well I am confused and that he's manipulative. God, the assassin from Attack of the Clones allegedly couldn't be sent by Christopher Lee because "it's not in his character." Face it, it's a miracle the Jedi survived this long.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. I've got the high ground, just like Darth Maul did in Episode 1 right before I killed him successfully. Ignoring that, if you jump over to me, I will cut your shit off.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to decide not to jump to the low ground in front of you where I will be able to safely continue duelling, but to instead try to jump all the way over you and get my shit cut off!

He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he is COMPLETELY BURNED.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Motherfucker!

EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though you are writhing in agony, I won't do the humane thing and put you out of your misery. You're the dick, though.

He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.

IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we can put him in the big black life support suit that I just so happen to have laying around for just such an occasion.

They DO.


INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN. Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.

JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some digital character in them. She's giving birth, can't we leave at least a FEW frames of the film free from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan should have delivered the twins, that would have been more dramatic.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?

MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the will to live.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does know she has two brand new babies to live for, doesn't she?

NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She DIES.


INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if you know about Leia, how come you refer to Luke as your last hope in Empire Strikes Back?

EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness doesn't.

YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of justifying obvious dialogue blunders created by the fact that George Lucas didn't actually have all six films firmly in his mind when he was making any given one, I need to train you how to be a force ghost so you can explain to Luke how Vader killed his father.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the mean time?

YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him from Hayden and Ian, we're going to allow him to keep the last name Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's birth planet, and put him in the care of his actual relatives? It would take like an hour of research to track him down if the Empire wanted him.

YODA
Well, go watch over him from really far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated upright.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I am worried about her again.

IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting, you killed her.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really make me see the error of the Dark Side, realize the Jedi were right all along, and kill you right now. Ah well.

IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over, would you say that the prequel trilogy was worth making?

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!


END